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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27230938">Set the world on fire</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/redlipsredledger/pseuds/redlipsredledger'>redlipsredledger</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>It's such a wonderful life: The misadventures of broken assassins [4]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Marvel, Marvel (Comics), Marvel 616, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 21:34:05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,214</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27230938</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/redlipsredledger/pseuds/redlipsredledger</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>After vacation, Natasha tells everyone the final story and fights to decide whether or not her friends really should come with her this time...</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Clint Barton/Bobbi Morse, James "Bucky" Barnes/Natasha Romanov, Pepper Potts/Tony Stark</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>It's such a wonderful life: The misadventures of broken assassins [4]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1517321</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Set the world on fire</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>A pensive morning leads to Natasha telling everyone else what they're up against.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>As thankful as she was to be away for their vacation just to have some time to regroup and try to figure out the mess that was her head, she was glad to be back more than she wanted to admit and that made her feel guilty, she should've been thankful for the time away with the man she loved and she was but it wasn't that simple, he was supposed to be the one that was struggling through the shit in his head not her.</p><p>She'd been able to relax which was something but there were only a handful of nights that she'd actually escaped from the nightmares and so she knew if she ever wanted peace at all she had to face the final monster that had put her on one of the most cruel missions she'd ever endured and one that had helped to shape her into what she was all those years ago and end it once and for all; she knew just as James did that there was a bigger game here and one that they'd face once her list was over but for now she was focussing only on getting hers finished. Once it was they could regroup and figure out what to do but while her mind was torn like this there was little chance at all for them to be able to stop <em>anything</em> without it causing her more harm in the process.</p><p>She never was the most trusting person and maybe that was why she hadn't told anyone that she wasn't anywhere near fixed and she didn't feel like she ever truly would be. Not again, not after all of this. This one was what scared her the most out of everything else and she wouldn't be able to say for sure whether or not this would break her... Still, she'd made her choice and she had to follow through with it all. The cracks and breaks in her mind were nothing new but they were worse now than they had been in years and all she could do was hope that she'd be able to claw her way out of whatever hell this would throw her into in one piece.</p><p>She hadn't touched much at breakfast nor had she joined in with most of the playful, easy back and forth everyone else had fallen into easily rather she'd sat alone and quiet despite the numerous times that pretty much everyone tried to come over and talk to her; everyone stopped after about half an hour understanding that she just needed space. She'd made a promise that she wasn't sure she could keep and everything in her was screaming out to go out there and kill this son of a bitch herself. The final story, the final pain she'd been avoiding dealing with for years. She should be glad it was almost over.</p><p>She wasn't. It was the final of her list all she could do was hope it wasn't the final nail in the coffin for her already fractured psyche.</p><p>She did watch her friends though and the people that had become her family and she was glad at least there was some peace there. James seemed to fall into an easy back and forth with everyone like he belonged now and he wasn't some unwanted outsider so that was something she was appreciative of. The thought of him being alone and displaced all over again was horrible. It seemed what had happened to her and that venture into their world had knocked some sense into Tony and while he still held to his anger and his reservations in a lot of ways she'd overheard the two of them talking about Howard a few times but not about his death, about his life and the friend he'd been during James's time serving with Steve after he'd been rescued.</p><p>It was nice admittedly.</p><p>She however today felt outcast and alone but by her own choice. There was a war inside of her and she was fighting that as best as she could without losing herself entirely. She could feel it there though in the back of her mind, the nagging pull toward that abyss, the urge to let the cracks and the breaks inside of her widen until she slipped through them completely but she knew that they never could. Hold on, everyone has been telling her the same thing now for the past few days: Hold on, you can do this. Everyone had been keen to reinforce the fact that she wasn't alone and that they were going to help as much as they could but this was one story she didn't want anyone to know. This was an evil that haunted her and one that she wasn't sure even the people that loved her could forgive, hell she'd never forgiven herself so what right did she have to ask for it from anyone else?</p><p>Ah, footsteps. She didn't move her gaze from the top of the table though because she didn't want to have to look at anyone when she requested that they leave her alone again, she already felt bad for it but there wasn't all that much she could do, she was far too afraid that she'd end up pulling someone into the dark with her to want to even be a part of the mornings pleasantries.</p><p>"Hey," Steve Rogers sounded quiet and hesitant as he spoke despite the calm smile he held on his lips. </p><p>Natasha's eyes travelled from the table top to look at him and she smiled just a fraction as she inclined her head to confirm his wordlessly requesting if he was alright to sit down. Steve seemed appreciative as he sat opposite her and the concern on his features was palpable, she could feel it radiating off of him in waves and she frowned and shook her head. She didn't want Steve to worry about her, she didn't want <em>anyone </em>to worry about her. She didn't have a choice and she was aware of that - Clint had pointed it out more than enough times - but she didn't want a single person here worrying for her but it was useless to tell them that. She'd argued it until she couldn't stand the futility of it anymore.</p><p>"What is it?" she queried as she studied him with a sigh.</p><p>Immediately though she registered the coldness to her tone and she scorned herself.</p><p>"I'm sorry," she amended, "You're worried."</p><p>It wasn't a question and Steve knew it, he nodded anyway. She didn't want to worry anyone but then she knew it'd do no good to tell them not to worry nor would it to any good to apologise for the fact that they were, she knew it'd just wind up upsetting everyone which wouldn't do anything bar make it all worse. Steve looked sympathetic which admittedly didn't help, now she felt even worse.</p><p>"We all are Natasha," he replied with a sad smile, "We all love you."</p><p>She supposed that was something she was still struggling with, how could anyone love her after what she'd done? They now knew some of the darker sides to Natasha's former life some knowing that her past was far more extensive than anyone had ever realised but there was still so much brutality back then, so much that she didn't remember and that was probably a little bit of mercy in an otherwise horrible situation but the things that she did, the ones she recalled shaping her into that perfect little monster haunted her to this day. How could anyone love that?</p><p>James she could understand, he'd been where she was and he'd committed just as many horrible acts if not more than she had, he understood that darkness because it had been home to him too for so long but the others didn't come from that hell and until she'd come into their lives it would've never touched it either.</p><p>"I know," she whispered "But you don't need to worry about me. I'll be okay."</p><p><em>I'll be okay, </em>they were three words that should be innocent but they held more weight than she could understand, I'll be okay. It was a simple reassurance and one that should've been harmless enough so why did it feel like an anchor over her head? She knew it was a lie and that was probably why. She wouldn't be okay and she had no doubt that her friends knew that too but saying it seemed harmless enough. Saying it just to offer some comfort seemed harmless enough and yet she regret the words the moment she'd said them.</p><p>"I won't," she admitted. "I won't be okay."</p><p>Why had that been so hard for her? She'd been fiercely independent her whole life that was probably why.  Weakness just got you killed. Weakness could've destroyed everything she'd worked so hard to build because she hadn't quite reinforced a wall in her mind well enough to stand someone poking at it. She shouldn't have broken like that let alone shattered. Natasha never did like to feel weak.</p><p>"I know." Steve reached out to place his hand over hers. "But we'll be here for you."</p><p>"I don't need you to protect me," she countered, Steve just frowned though. "What?"</p><p>He chuckled lightly at her confused tone as she questioned him and he merely shook his head.</p><p>"I'm not trying to protect you, I'm fighting at your side the same way you did for me," he explained, "You're the most capable person I know, you don't need protecting but whether you want to admit it or not you <em>do </em>need to know you aren't alone."</p><p>That she had to admit he was right with, she needed to believe that she wasn't alone now more than ever because right now the very last thing she felt was that she belonged even around the people that loved her. </p><p>"You were supposed to relax on your vacation you know," Steve pointed out, "Not come back here looking like you've got the weight of the world on your shoulders."</p><p>Natasha rolled her eyes then but smiled anyway. Heh, he'd succeeded in that at least.</p><p>"Yeah well it's hard to stay relaxed when you feel like a ticking time bomb," she admitted with a sigh.</p><p>"You're not a ticking time bomb, Nat. You're going through a lot but you aren't going through it all alone anymore. We can't begin to comprehend what you went through but I can promise you that whatever this is and whatever comes next it isn't just your fight anymore. We're family, no matter how stubborn you are we're <em>Your </em>family and that isn't gonna change."</p><p>
  <em>We're your family.</em>
</p><p>That at least earned Steve a genuine smile. Clint had always been her family but the others she'd sort of supposed over the years that it was more a work thing than anything else, friendship sure enough but nothing close to family... maybe it was just her own insecurities though, it certainly seemed like it was.</p><p>"Thanks Steve," she sounded lighter than she had before. "I appreciate it."</p><p>Family. If that were true then she owed it to them and to herself to trust them, caring about people wasn't a liability and no one was going to punish her for it regardless of what the fears that had been stirred up in her mind told her. She wasn't back there, their rules didn't matter. All of this and stirred so much up from back then that wasn't just former programming.</p><p>She stood then and she studied the rest of the room, each person turned to look at her as she stood up and she found herself thankful for each one of them. Each one who had put their asses on the line for her, who'd covered her and brought her back from the edge and she reminded herself as she studied their faces that trusting someone was okay.</p><p>"Then there's something else I need to tell you," she spoke calmly "There's a list of people the program I was trained by wants dead. A hitlist I guess and I have no idea who's on it or who they're gonna hand those contracts to but we need to find it. We need to find that list and we need to stop them."</p><p>Stop them before more people died, bad people or innocent people it really didn't matter. They'd destroyed enough people's lives over the years and she'd done the same at their bidding, it was about time she struck back and saved people from them instead.</p><p>"We're pretty sure Nat is on it," Bucky added. "Maybe Barton too."</p><p>Clint for helping Natasha defect and Natasha for being a traitor, she'd always one in there's be retribution for it someday. </p><p>"It isn't just about finishing off the list of people that broke me before I defected. It isn't about just fixing what broke in my head any more it's about stopping them and making sure whoever is on that list is either saved or put in whatever deep dark hole they belong in if they're bad people." Natasha sounded determined.</p><p>No more death. They'd caused enough pain. No more.</p><p>It had to end somewhere somehow.</p>
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